My whole life, I thought I had to choose, choose a life path based on the two projections of 'woman' I had seen available; the Mother or the Madonna.
I could be a mom, settle down to raise a family, sacrifice my desires and needs, play that role or I could travel, never landing anywhere for very long, explore my inner side and never have that stereotypical 'white picket fence' life.
In my journey to receiving this baby, that began well over a year and a half ago I was laying in a hot yoga class, waiting for the teacher to begin and I realized - I could have BOTH! I could fucking having the baby, live where ever the hell I wanted for however long I wanted, I could explore sensuality and sexuality, with my partner and I could be the soft-loving always nurturing mother at the same damn time!
It was as if someone turned the lights came on inside my head - this whole time - my whole life up until that point I had bought into a societal belief that was placed upon me - that we as women have to choose. It's what we're shown in movies and TV, it's often times what our parents and their parents had to choose between.
I have always had these two amazing women role models in my life, my mom and my aunt and for so long I thought they were living on separate paths. One a representation of 'the Mother' the other 'the Madonna' and finally I could see that, I didn't have to choose between the two of them. That in their own unique timing they too had chosen to have it all, and we're not confined to the conditioning I believed was only accessible to them. I had been using my 'sister moms' as my sister and I refer to them as, projections of my own inner conflict.
This inner conflict momentarily freed within me, in an instance I had permission for both my nurturing soft mothering side and my wild sexual woman. Both could exist in that moment together within me - from this place, I could stand connected to my desire, knowing what she sounded like, trusting exactly how she wanted to be held handled and pleased and follow her, strengthening the trust between mind and body, every day as the possibility of having a baby came into view clearer and clearer.
I remember walking out of that yoga class, crossing Lincoln Blvd to my car feeling as though my feet weren't even touching the ground. I had unlocked a key space within myself that could allow me to continue down the path of creating this child and pregnancy, as I am sitting here today 30 weeks pregnant writing this story.
Reminiscing on this memory, this literal, mind expanding memory even now brings me so much inner peace and light. My journey into motherhood has been such a beautiful expansion of not only body but also mind; seeing and thinking things so much differently than I could have ever even imagined was possible for me just a few years ago.
I vow to do my best to share this experience was tangibly as I can with the world and with other women who think they have to choose between the two worlds. I just want you to know ... woman, you can have it all - I do.
*I also want to tell you as I opened the blog to write this post today - I came upon a draft saved from March of this year, of this exact topic, that I haven't thought twice about since then clearly ... the synchronistic in our lives are so so alive.*