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  • Victoria Carmel

[re]Finding Independence

I spent a week on my own recently, where I deeply fell back in love with being alone. I had the house to myself & my own energetic aura bubble, which was so divine and it allowed me a lot of time for reflection and curious discovery. Not only that, but I could eat when I wanted, what I wanted, where I wanted and clean up according to my schedule.

Upon A's return, I was a bit destabilized. I realized I had to relearn how to live with him and his energy and that brought up some internal conflict and angst for me, which ultimately brought to light a spot that occurred for us right before we got engaged.


This spot you see, was one of 'not needing him' recognizing that in my previously conditioned way of behaving in a relationship I thought I had to 'need' my partner in order for them to stick around, and with A that wasn't the case. He was willing to stick around whether I needed him too or not. In this time-bending moment I realized that this exact same concept was playing out ...


I recognized that I didn't need him, like I had fallen back into believing I did. I don't need him to do the dishes, or to get the mail. I don't need him to feel good, sexy, or turned on. I don't need him to have other connections, make friends or find my way around a somewhat new city. I don't.


Because I was 100% capable of creating all of these things and more for myself - by myself.


And that is the most simultaneously freeing and terrifying feeling ever for me. Because my needs are not dependent upon him, I am free. Free to choose.


And I choose him. I choose to wake up everyday next to him. To make this relationship a partnership, not always equal but fair. I choose to create a family with him. To laugh, to travel, to grow old with him.

You see by firstly connecting to my own pleasures, my own desires and learning to fulfill them on my own - I can come to A, whole & complete. Where he can then provide for me in a way that I am unable to provide for myself, the masculine is a perfect match to the feminine, when we are actually embracing and living from our feminine.


This balance I will write on more in another post because it has deeply changed our way of relating and relationship as a whole - which is supporting our choice to bring another human into our lives in ways we can't even see yet.


Revisiting this spot of inter-dependence as we embark on parenthood together is no coincidence & damn, does it feel good to be reminded of this terrifying freedom we have created in our partnership.


It isn’t always easy being in a relationship, especially these days with a highly hormonal pregnant me constantly nagging and picky, and I am so grateful to in partnership with this man who despite it all, deeply loves and cares for me.


Xx,

Vic


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