Updated: Jan 12, 2019
'YOUR WORTH IS NOT MEASURED BY YOUR PRODUCTIVITY!'
The moment we speak the phrase 'I'm doing nothing with my life' we usually, more often then not, go into SHAME!
This 'shame spiral' I found myself deeply wedged into has been one of the biggest opportunities of growth for me in my recent transformation.
Let me explain...
After leaving my last job I was burnt out.
Physically, emotionally, mentally ... every aspect of my being was shot. I was inflamed; sneezing, in a constant allergic reaction, sleeping for 14-16 hours a day, horizontal in bed for a solid month. I thought my life as I knew it was over. I had crumbled back into my old habits + the alignments of my childhood were haunting me. All I could see as the foreseeable future of my life was misery and honestly, it SUCKED. BIG TIME!
I needed to 'do' something!
My partner and I created our first joint business venture, honestees. The idea behind the t-shirts was to share an honest message, something vulernable that you wouldn't normally say out loud (or wear on a shirt) and start a conversation around this saying...(maybe it was also just a refelction of the misery I was in and what I wish I could say to those around me ... maybe, -lol- that's for another post!)
Needless to say, when we try to produce out of obligation or 'should' that the lifespan of an idea is very, very short-lived.
It was coming closer to the holidays + I felt like needed 'something' to be able to show for myself to keep my family entertained. The fact that I wasn't employed, wasn't creating anything, had nothing tangible to show for myself and my life was humiliating. So, I convinced myself I was doing something in order to feel better about my life and the fact that nothing was coming of it in that moment.
And it felt icky ... nothing was moving with the business. Every time I shared the idea, as much as I loved it, no one was enrolled in the creation nor backed it very much. Now I want to lovingly say to myself, 'no shit!'
Fast forward to the end of January, when I still had not created what I will call 'a thing.' I was frustrated beyond belief with myself, the lack of income I wasn't creating + the stickiness that was my life as I knew it now. Ugh!
Then, what at the time felt like out of the blue, I experienced a shift. The shift of all shifts ...
I had guidance from outside of me and I accepted my REALITY.
I began to LOVE myself RIGHT where I was. I was all of a sudden in approval for me 'doing nothing'
I heard the voice from within me saying, "this is the period of waiting that you need, hold space for yourself + your gifts to shine through... they will"
And slowly, but SURE-as-shit the shame and struggle I was expereincing in my life began to fade. aaaaahhhhh!
I have since had a handful of experiences in the past few months where I am reminded that me forcing + effort-ing anything in my life, will never EVER create the results that I desire. That when I am in alignment with my soul's calling, my 'purpose' if you will ... that is when I soar + my results reflect this effortlessness.
Today, I am DOING EVERYTHING I never could have never imagined. I am helping other people in this very tender + vulnerable spot. I am free of the shackles of PRODUCING and I am creating magic all around me. I am a free, honest, vulnerable woman, with an impact.
These simple, yet very difficult steps it took for me to break through this spot I want to share with you.
1. Love myself for where I am
2. Accept my reality for what it is
3. Be willing to hold the space for the magic/juju/wisdom - whatever you call it - to come through me and
4. Relax + Breathe, trust in yourself that everything is happening FOR you.
I cannot begin to express the deep gratitude I feel for my husband Anders, as he patiently kept his loving attention on me, and while I know I was no joy to be around most of the time, he stuck right by my side. And still does!
Thank you, to all of my friends, family, the girl-friends + relationships I have formed and those of you who have taken a stand for me as a powerful woman to have access to transformation always.
humbled + grateful,